Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Hind Nassir

My plan, growing up I always knew I wanted to be successful, rich, famous, be a good man, do good things, travel the world, go everywhere I wanna go, be everything I wanna be. Then marry a good woman, a beautiful woman, have  beautiful amazing kids, then maybe, someday I'll be president, maybe.. just maybe save this country.. maybe just maybe .. save all of you. Then I'll die at the age of 85 surrounded by my 16 grand kids.
...
I would give all that up here and now just to spend an hour or two with her in my car just talking.
She's the reason I believe heaven exists, and I know I will never, ever, ever feel that good ever again, that I'm just faking it.
All this, all that I am, all that I ever was, all that I ever will be is a cheap price to pay to be with her.
She is home.
She's the reason I know that life isn't just unfair, that it's a joke with no punchline, and no one is laughing.
And I wish I can wish I never met her, I wish I can want to move on from here, but the sad truth is being here, missing her, talking about her, is as close as I can ever be to being with her ever again.
I meant every word, that because of her I didn't look forward to leaving this place,  that I didn't look forward to Heaven because I found Heaven in the warmth of her hands...
Where do you go from there? Knowing that it's all downhill? That the best is now behind you? That maybe the world is balanced and you've gotten all your good, all too early, all too soon and all at once?
I have nothing... I am nothing... it doesn't get easier... maybe God doesn't like you.
When you're left hollow and dry but still you cry and scream on the inside "why me?" And then you hear a voice whisper "... why not?"
"Suffer, that's all you're good for. Cry, it amuses me. You are trash, you were always trash and you will forever be worthless trash. What made you think you were ever worthy of being happy?
She deserves better than you and deserve less and if you ever try to be happy ever again I will make you watch her walk away again!"
....
The best I can hope for, the best I can pray for is that she always be safe, she will always be happy, she will find a good man, a better man, because I can't protect her, I am weak, and I can't make her happy, I am pathetic.
But this isn't selfless, but rather selfish, because asking God to watch over her and protect her, always and forever, is the only that gives me peace.